I saw my friend!

EDIT- Please ignore the things I said below about friend’s partner not being abusive. A few months ago I interacted with him for the first time in ages, he came with me and friend to go for coffee. He is definetly abusive. I was right to suspect but had been lulled by such a long time of not interacting with him. 😦 I am supporting my friend as best I can, but I am also in a very bad place and have very little to give. The situation is shitty all round. Please think of us.

 

 

 

 

CW- drug mention, slight mention of disordered eating (though not through eating disorder it still might trigger).

 

 

Yesterday I went to see an old friend from uni. I was really nervous about it but it turned out to be the best day ever. It’s weird when you spend so much time feeling weird nothingness and periods of down-ness (only way to say it really), suddenly a happy thing happening makes you go SUPER happy and filled with energy and love.

 

I love my friend so much. We went to an amazing Italian sandwich bar and they bought me a panini and coffee and a brownie, and when I thanked them profusely they said ‘it’s because you’re one of my best friends dude, if we were just sort of friends then we’d split the bill’. XD And my worries of us not being best friends any more just disappeared.

 

And I met my friends new dog (well its their partner’s dog too, also the dog is not that new as in she’s actually an elderly rescue dog) and she was the cutest lil puppers ever! I had so many anxieties going into this and one was what if the dog is jumpy and yappy (small dog worries) or just smells bad…but no, no smell, plus best behaved dog other than a tiny bit of pulling on the lead. No barking, no jumping up. Loves being petted by new people. (me 🙂 ) Yes I petted that dog for a good long time and talked to her and called her silly pet names. Hey I have to get it out of my system as my last gerbils has recently died and I have no furry person to talk to at home. I love animals.

 

I think they got the dog for my friend’s partner who has a lot of mental health problems. (as does my friend, and me.) Partner has, in the past, been my friend, but then we drifted apart when we stopped being at the same uni, plus I was concerned with how he was treating my friend. He lives in the flat my friend owns, and he is a foreign national with no family in this country and his family in his own country is pretty fucked up from what I know. So basically he depends on my friend for a lot, which made me worry at the time because I was scared he would become abusive, or my friend would not want to ever break up with him due to the bad situation it would leave him in. My friend would seem down, say they had become his carer more than his partner, say that he forbad them to knit because his hearing sensitivies made the sound of the clicking needles unbearable (my friend loves to knit and there’s so many workarounds that don’t involve A Ban), and things like that. I was…worried about their situation, to say the least.

 

But looking at things now, I can see that they are both managing. Partner is apparently self-medicating with weed and mushrooms, but my friend told me they make him calm and able to sleep. They did not seem concerned at all, and my friend has always been a big believer in doing what you have to do to get by. Whether its weed or drinking or eating cake. It’s a calming thought, weirdly. I work in a health sector and the messages about healthy living, sugar tax and exercising and stuff, are starting to give me a low level of anxiety about my body. I know I don’t exercise enough and don’t get enough fruit and veg, but those things are all stressful in their own ways and there are too many constraints right now. (No time or energy for exercise, and with fruit and veg there’s only a few kinds I can have before I run into ones that need to be washed, cored, chopped and/or cooked, and all of those things are a big barrier for me right now. It would involve too much hand-washing and cleaning, and to be honest it’s stressful just thinking about it. These days I eat tinned fruit, frozen peas, tinned tomatoes, and fruit like bananas and satsumas that have a solid skin, as well as sometimes fresh apples, grapes and tomatoes. Those are all ok, anything else is too much.) Sometimes I’m fed up with the messages seeping in, when going through days without sinking into self loathing sometimes feels too hard even without these extra worries.

 

My friend said that sometimes partner will do things like taking mushrooms and then petting the dog for hours on end. I think if my boyfriend did things like that I wouldn’t like it, I wouldn’t like him to take things that made him different from himself. I asked my friend though and they seem happy with the situation. Like things seem calmer, quieter and more settled in their place, and they each have their own space to call their own which they definetly need. I feel like my worries are, for now, set to rest. My friend is not some indestructable powerhouse but they are very strong in some ways. And their relationship may seem one sided in some ways but I never got the sense that my friend is unhappy or needing more support from their partner. It’s worth remembering that not all relationships can be an exactly equal give and take, and in practise that is probaby quite unusual as everyone has different degrees of need. The trick is making it work in a way that suits the people in the relationship, and if you can do that then no one else matters.

 

Another thing I appreciate about my friend was their acceptance of my germ problems. I’d say something like ‘I can’t touch food with my hands’ and they’d just nod and say ‘that’s fine.’ No interrogation or trying to logic around it like some people do. I think I have changed too since we last hung out any serious amount. My germ problems have got to a worse level, unfortunately, and my overally mood is lower, but I am also calmer, less stressed and less snappy. I used to be quite impatient with my friend sometimes. I tried to bring up my snappy behaviour during some time we spent together (a uni residential in another country) but my friend didn’t even remember it. As is so often the way. ^^ I apologised anyway though.

 

We walked, they showed me the sights, and then we went back to the flat and played a few video games, just some nice calm ones. And then they saw me off with a huge hug and a promise to see each other again soon. I miss them so much now. It’s weird because I was dreading the trip because social situations with anyone except my boyfriend are so hard for me. Now it seems like I have two people who can be on the ‘not hard’ list and that is honestly so wonderful. I nearly fell asleep at work today I was so tired but I felt so full of love still. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of spending a good day with a friend, or something else that happened to me back at new years where I met a girl and we nerded out about Death Note for about an hour. Sometimes I don’t know the difference between romantic love and friendship love, to me they are both equally powerful, and with a similar need to touch and hold somebody close. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that it reminds me that I exist outside of my boring job, that it doesn’t define me, that I’m still that excited and joyful person I used to get to be more often. I feel happy just writing this. These powerful positive emotions are strange because they come alongside the usual negativity I feel all the time, so they interact in a feeling of dizzy happiness along with a fear that I will ruin it. But for now I’m trying to just enjoy the feeling, and write it down so I can remember it forever.

A slump, also a TMI coping mechanism

I’m in the middle of a depressed slump right now, it’s been pretty much since I finished at my Christmas temp job on Boxing Day. Maybe since before because Christmas itself was pretty miserable. I’ve been tired and when I’m left to myself I just surf the net for hours on end (I’m going to really miss it when I go back to my flat). I don’t do anything useful.

(TMI about porn and masturbation below the cut)

(more…)

An anxious day

CW: in depth discussion of my fear of germs

 

Today I noticed extra anxiety, extra handwashing etc. I think it has to do with being congestred and stuffy from my cold, and not being able to think straight. Now this evening I just found out I’ll be losing internet next monday when my flatmate moves out (we don’t really talk so I didn’t know she was moving out).

 

That caused extra anxiety because I have really bad associations with being alone with myself without the internet to distract me. The internet functions more like ‘company’ than a DVD or music. It’s so sudden and I’ll have to set up my own contract, which I don’t know how to do, but even so I’ll be left without internet on monday at least (after that I’m at work again). I have 2 days off from tomorrow which is nice as I need to rest up and get over my cold but no internet on monday is troubling me. I’ll have to plan something to do, like a plan I’ll stick to.

 

Illness causes anxiety because it makes me more vulnerable, even though it’s just a cold. I feel miserable too. I can’t even look forward to going to sleep because my nose is so stuffy. Sometimes I hate living apart from my boyfriend, but then I remember that having other people around is really germy and bad and its much safer to live alone. I love him so much and he knows a lot about my anxiety problems but he doesn’t know how afraid I am of the prospect of living with him on a daily bases, purely because of the germs and how much close contact we will have. I can spend a day with him, spend several days together, but in reality I’m so scared of germs I would probably live alone, with my own kitchen and everything (only thing I currently don’t have to myself other than the washing machine) and be so lonely but feel ‘safe’ from the germs. I don’t think he knows how bad it is. One day he will have to know though as we do plan to live together. I know I should probably start CBT again but its been so long and its so hard to fit NHS therapy around my job. My counsellor was so caring, so kind, even though he was learning and didn’t always know how to proceed. I don’t care if we wasted any time doing things like exposure which wasn’t necessarily helping the underlying cause of my problems, alongside things that really were helping: just having someone I could talk to about these things where I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself helped so much. I hope if I do go back then I can have him again. (Maybe he has left though. 😦 )

 

 

 

 

Cold thoughts

Content warning: suicidal ideation mention, illness fears

 

As in, not thoughts that are cold towards people but thoughts I have when I have a cold, which I do. I tend to get weird feelings during illness, even though colds are pretty low on the anxiety-meter for me (stomach bugs are my absolute 100% worst fear, colds pretty low like 10%). It’s more like I get sad and vulnerable and worry about not being able to do my job properly while I’m ill.

 

I can’t remember when I last wrote but since then I’ve left my job that was horrible and started a Christmas temp job. Its hard work but only in the sense that all retail jobs are very stressful and difficult at Christmas time. I don’t hate myself and feel like dying every day any more. In that regard it is wonderful. I feel like a whole new person. My doctor was of course right when she signed me out of my last job a couple of months ago. (she said ‘Maybe this job isn’t right for you?’ Well yeah, I know, my job hunt was at the time very much in the middle of happening but it’s not so easy especially when you feel like shit! My doctor is very business-like and quick, she gives me the results I need but there’s not really time for much empathy and understanding.)

 

And I have another job lined up. It’s a wonderful, calm feeling. It’s in an office which will be very different and hard for me but barring an absolute disaster maybe I can finally feel secure in my employment now?

 

 

So that’s a very good thing. I’m just writing about the good things to feel calmer and its working. In a sec I’m going to put on some Vicks and sew until early bed.

The next few days

Today I’m planning, in a sec, to go to Caffe Nero and use this last free coffee voucher, get a takeaway one and take a walk down to the wood and fields, where its beautiful and quiet. Maybe I shouldn’t because my stress headaches are not helped by caffeine but I don’t care. *takes paracetemol*

Tomorrow is when work starts again. I don’t know how that will go. I haven’t heard back from anyone about the hearing. One to two days my ass. Even accounting for working days only it’s been 4 days now. Boss will not be there, Phyllis is not timetabled to be there according to the rota I was emailled weeks ago, but my experience tells me she probably will be there because she always is. Goody good. The tension between us is very high, especially as after my meltdown she suddenly decided to get all faux caring and its incredibly awkward and not convincing at all.

Friday- also work. I hate Fridays because we have to deal with Saturday Guarantee service and customers complaining about being offerred it.

Saturday- not work. But it is My Interview! This is Christmas temp work I’m applying to, which is why I’m not as cautiously optomistic about my potential ticket out of this place as I’d like to be. Swapping out permanent work for temp work is not a good idea, in normal circumstances, and I’m kind of angry that I’ve been driven to consider it. If I get one of the temp roles, apparently there is 1 full time position available but there’ll be several competing for it. And if I don’t get it, I’ll be exhausted from Christmas, facing unemployment and having to apply for jobs in a desperate state which is always horrible. I’m scared of this happening. A temporary fix for an uncertain future. 😦

If tomorrow is somehow amazing enough to undo all the horrible shit that’s happened then maybe I will stay. But how could that really be a case, with an immature asshole for a boss who takes advantage of his staff? My paycheck for this month is already going to be a disaster with all my absences, so I should be happy that I’m doing 5 day weeks until the end of my current rota, but since my hours were supposed to have been reduced (4 day or less weeks) for my mental health, I can’t believe I have so many 5 day weeks back to back. I brought this up with my boss, who said ‘but you didn’t want reduced hours! You screwed up your face and said you didn’t want reduced hours!!’ Ok, well first of all, thanks for making me sound like a child having a tantrum, you asshole. Secondly, yes, initially I did not want reduced hours. Because I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t handle a standard full-time 5 day week, which is what I have been ingrained to expect to need to do my entire life. Not being able to handle that is a scary step. But my mental health got worse, and I finally argreed to take the next option to help myself, and have my hours reduced. I remember agreeing to this very clearly. My boss is pretending that this never happened. The reason he is doing this is because shortly after my hours were cut, a full-timer left. Without her we are short staffed, and the hiring process is very slow. So suddenly, even though my mental health has not got better (the opposite really) I’m back on full time again, and only get gaslighted when I bring it up. God, I hate my boss. I hate him. And I hate my job.

Today. Tomorrow. Wednesday.

I was signed off from work last week. I went to the doctor for an emergency appointment, got the letter and took it down to show Phyllis, who was running the branch at the time. Then I left. Coincidentally a friend was in town that day and he took me for a cup of tea. I told him ‘I feel like someone took a one-two punch to my brain’- not that it hurt but it felt stunned and disengaged.

Two days later was the grievance hearing. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, several weeks have passed since I first contacted HR. I was seen first, on my own, and gave a long statement with a note taker. I got to read the notes afterwards and there were errors which I corrected. However it was awkward because the woman who wrote them was sitting right there so even though some stuff didn’t get into the notes at all I didn’t add it, only edited stuff that was there.

They said they would interview Phyllis and Boss (good I guess), also all staff currently in the branch to get their perspective (not good). I don’t want to know what some of my colleagues would say about unstable Mossy and her emotions. Then I was told I would hear back in a couple of days. I’ll have to ring my parents house later to see if a letter has arrived. Nowhere has my current address as I’m not sure how long I’ll be here, my landlords see this flat as a temporary place.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and it was wonderful. I’m back home today and the emptiness has sneaked back in, I feel so alone. I eat foods like cup noodles even though they don’t fill me up and give me a dry mouth afterwards, because the only other thing I can make is toast and I want a hot lunch. I don’t want to touch food with my hands too much. I have to go back to work on Thursday and that’s the shortest time in the world. I want to work on my costume for MCM Expo May 2016 but I can’t concentrate for more than half an hour at a time. I’m drinking too much coffee and getting headaches. I’m so tired. I don’t know how to work any more and I don’t want to face my colleagues. I used to put myself 100% into my work and now I’m the post office colleague who emotionally exploded and ruined her reputation, that my boss will use as a cautionary tale and disclose my mental health situation to new staff after I leave.

Gone

Yesterday evening I felt seriously weird, off my meds type weird (even though I’m not). I’m having the tail end of it today. I’m only ok today because I’m not at work but tomorrow I am, a long, long day with Phyllis as manager. She is bullying me. It is workplace bullying. I call it that now to make myself remember that its not fair. Pretty much all my colleagues are actively on her side or are ‘not taking sides’. She is not my manager but she is frequently acting manager and she has power over me. I cannot avoid her. None of my colleagues seem to care. Work is really messing me up right now. I had an angry spell at work yesterday. I slammed the office door in front of customers and broke down crying in front of the new girl who must now feel really confused and intimidated. I know that angry people can be really scary even if they aren’t directly angry at you. I feel terrible that I’m doing this to her and even my colleagues who took her side shouldn’t have to deal with a coworker who is taking their anger out on the doors.

I need, so badly, for someone at work to tell me its not normal how Phyllis treats me. But no one will. I hate them all. I have to leave my permanent, fulll time position (that is like gold dust these days) for temporary Christmas work because this job is destroying my mental health. I’m fed up with thinking about dying all day.

In my worst mental health times I always find myself listening to Therapy? (a band, the question mark is in the band name). A few years ago I marathoned their Infernal Love album over and over and it was the only way to calm down. Now its just one song, Gone. This song is not a masterpiece, its just two chords and some simple lyrics. The singer could even sound like a Nice Guy lending an ear to try and get into her pants if you interpret it that way (though its not explicit or anything, the singer doesn’t have a specified gender either). It’s just the chorus

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

the violence buried away

that always gets me. They repeat ‘the violence buried away’ over and over and its so calming. I love songs with repeated lines because sometimes you need to repeat a thought over and over to make it sink in. Infernal Love’s closing song 30 Seconds ends with the repeated line ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ sang louder and louder.

Though it sounds like something is being suppressed, to me ‘the violence buried away’ sounds like something violent from inside being released in a non-violent way, buried and calmed until its neutralised. With someone always there. While I listened to this song I tried to draw my boyfriend and I holding each other. We need each other so much but we are both mentally ill and sometimes we trigger each other when we reach out for help. In my picture I tried to draw us holding each other and being held equally. I have to be responsible and not dump it all on him when I’m in trouble inside my head. I called the Samaritans the other day during work bad times and the woman on the phone just let me talk and let out some of these feelings I have about work. I was able to go back down and carry on. I almost made it till the end of the day but in the end I did get sent home, an hour before closing. I still regard this as a victory tho.

I won’t share my picture because it wasn’t very good. You can hear Gone here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO5hMGRNN04 Warning: it has mentions of self harm and abortion.

Italk involves the police.

Trigger warnings: discussion of self harm, domestic violence.

Dear friend, reading this. Be careful. Did you know that if you use the italk counseling service, and you tell them about one time 6 months ago your dad made you feel unsafe, they will call the fucking police?!!

Ok I admit, I was naive. I’m a middle class white cis girl who grew up in what was, to all intents and purposes, a good family. My parents were not dogged by social workers, because they had money and they were married and my dad had a stable job and we were securely housed. Instead we went to family counseling. I’m not saying I never learned to keep my trap shut about stuff, but I never had to actually put this into practice. I was never in danger of being put in care. I was physically disciplined as a child, but I don’t consider myself to have been physically abused (note: this is up to individual preference. Some people consider all physical discipline by parents to be abuse, and that’s up to them. Trust me, I’m sure they have their reasons).

I already know not to tell counselors if you’re thinking about self harming. Because they’ll call the police, and you could get committed for something that, for many, is a coping mechanism. (note: I am not one of them. And self harm may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but being committed is likely to be a billion times worse.) But apparently it never occurred to me that the same thing could happen to me in this situation.

Ok, I’ll tell the story of how it came up. Basically my counselor asked me if anything in my past was maybe affecting the way I am now. I told her it was, in my opinion, affected by 3 things: 1. depression is on both sides of the family through my parents, 2. R’s emotional abuse, and 3. growing up with an angry father. I explained my family dynamic, where my father loses his temper and my mum makes sure everyone tiptoes around him. I have his temper, and it’s one of my biggest regrets about myself. When I move out and away from his influence I plan on working hard on that temper. My upbringing wasn’t abusive but it did make me the person I am today, and that person gets angry in a similar way to how her father does. That’s why I brought it up.

She asked more questions and, inevitably, asked if my father had ever hit me. I told her that me and my siblings were smacked by both parents, rarely but sometimes in anger, as in the parent doing it didn’t seem to have full control of what they were doing. (I don’t want this to become a debate about physical punishment for children, because I have only one cultural perspective myself and it’s a very privileged one. But if you are a parent who physically punishes your child, surely the most important requirement is that you are calm when you do it? What if you hit them and can’t stop hitting them because you’re so angry?!) I also told her about a time 6 months ago. No one outside the family knew about it until then. Basically we’d been driving home from Newcastle all day having been at a family funeral. My dad was probably tired and cranky. I don’t remember what made him so angry, but I remember my brother was involved in some way. Possibly he got involved in a disagreement my dad and I had and it annoyed me because he told me to calm down or something. At some point in the conversation, whatever fragile grip my dad had on his temper broke and he completely exploded. I was at the top of the stairs, and he came charging up them at top speed, shouting his head off until he was right over me (me curled in a ball screaming and crying by this point) and for the first time in my adult life I thought he was going to hit me, but he didn’t. Then he stopped as suddenly as he’d started and went away. He’s a big man, and I’m a small woman. It was very scary.

Later I talked to my mum about it and mentioned I was frightened he was going to hit me and she was shocked. (I should note she witnessed the incident in question.) ‘He would never hit you!’ Um, well he already has, when we were children. ‘But that’s different! Smacking children is different!’ Hmm, yeah, ok. Seriously I never get when people make that claim. Why do children, at a stage in their life when they’re smaller and weaker, make sense to hit but not your adult offspring? Why do people who (they claim) would never hit an adult, find this ok? But my point was, the boat has already sailed on ‘he would never hit you!’ How was she so sure that my dad, who everyone could tell had gone straight through ‘lost temper’ and out the other side, would not hit me given that he was so clearly out of control? Did I not have the right to be scared of that possibility, even if it was just a possibility? Well apparently not, according to her. As you can imagine this discussion was very frustrating. And the incident with my dad did leave to me resolving to move out, then and there. (I’d like to admit that, in practice, I just went back to my normal living at home self, feeling too scared to even look for places in case they were all too expensive-I live in a very expensive area-or I couldn’t handle the logistics of everything. The actual moving out I’m doing now came much later.) My dad returned to normal, as he always does. It’s disconcerting, but of course a relief, because honestly he is very rarely like this.

I told this to the counselor. I made it plain that I did not feel in any danger from my dad any more, despite having felt so briefly at one point 6 months ago. I assured her, after some prompting, that I would call the police if it happened again. (I doubt I would but I know a leading question when I heard one.) I thanked her for listening to something that no one outside the family knew about. We made another appointment. I thought that was the last time we would talk about it. The next day, I got my phone out of my locker after work to find 3 missed calls. The first was from a private number. The second two were from italk. I had a voicemail from the police (the private number), asking me to call them back about my dad. The other two were from italk asking me to call and ask for the duty practitioner. It was obvious what had happened. I rang italk, both panicky and furious. The duty practitioner advised me to call 111 and answer the police’s questions so I could get it resolved. I did this, and the person on the phone told me they’d call me back later in the evening. Apparently it wasn’t enough that I said on the phone that the police had been called without my knowledge and I did not want to pursue anything further with them in any way. This entire time I’m panicking that they’re going to call my dad and let him know anything’s happening. I’m terrified of the very idea of that, and not just because he would be so angry (though that is a factor) but also because my parents, both of them, apparently have no idea what was done was wrong. They’d think involving the police was ludicrous. And in my opinion, they’re right!!! And they’d think it was my idea. Which it absolutely, certainly was not. Later that evening, a policeman called me from his car, which was outside the house. ‘Can we speak to your dad?’ OH MY GOD NO YOU CAN’T. My family never found out why there was a police car there, I doubt they even noticed thank god. But what on earth would the policeman have said if I had put my dad on??! My dad probably doesn’t consider the incident in question to be of much significance (lucky him). That would have been a fun conversation afterwards.

I know that italk counselors have to report back to a supervisor after a session, so I’m guessing one of two things happened. One, that my counselor relayed the whole thing back and missed all the parts about me being sure I’m not in danger and feeling safe at home, so it sounded worse than it was. Or two, that my counselor did relay those things but the situation I described, despite having happened 6 months ago, hit some sort of secret combination of italk factors that mean they have to call the police according to their policy. Either way, I don’t want to blame my counselor because it may not have been her fault, but I can’t help but feel extremely wary of talking to her any more. I was given no clue that the police might be called and was left in a state of panic when they were. Also, in the rest of the session, I got the impression that they won’t be able to help me anyway. I approached italk before with a specific problem and got some help, but it seems like if you don’t have something specific in mind and want someone to talk to they are at a loss. I told them about my anger problems at work, they told me they don’t do anger but emailed me an anger workbook. (I didn’t like it much). They also sent me some stuff on assertiveness which will be a long read but well worth it I think.

I have my next appointment tomorrow. I’m trying to think of good things that came out of this because I think tomorrow I will ask her if I can be discharged from italk. I would also recommend that all my readers from the UK are wary of this service, especially the phone appointments. Calling the police without warning is very scary for someone who is already mentally ill. Or anyone who might be in an abusive home. What if it causes ramifications for the abused person by escalating the abuser into anger? It makes me scared to think of that happening to someone.

Maybe I’ll write another post tomorrow after the appointment.