I’m in the middle of a depressed slump right now, it’s been pretty much since I finished at my Christmas temp job on Boxing Day. Maybe since before because Christmas itself was pretty miserable. I’ve been tired and when I’m left to myself I just surf the net for hours on end (I’m going to really miss it when I go back to my flat). I don’t do anything useful.
(TMI about porn and masturbation below the cut)
CW: in depth discussion of my fear of germs
Today I noticed extra anxiety, extra handwashing etc. I think it has to do with being congestred and stuffy from my cold, and not being able to think straight. Now this evening I just found out I’ll be losing internet next monday when my flatmate moves out (we don’t really talk so I didn’t know she was moving out).
That caused extra anxiety because I have really bad associations with being alone with myself without the internet to distract me. The internet functions more like ‘company’ than a DVD or music. It’s so sudden and I’ll have to set up my own contract, which I don’t know how to do, but even so I’ll be left without internet on monday at least (after that I’m at work again). I have 2 days off from tomorrow which is nice as I need to rest up and get over my cold but no internet on monday is troubling me. I’ll have to plan something to do, like a plan I’ll stick to.
Illness causes anxiety because it makes me more vulnerable, even though it’s just a cold. I feel miserable too. I can’t even look forward to going to sleep because my nose is so stuffy. Sometimes I hate living apart from my boyfriend, but then I remember that having other people around is really germy and bad and its much safer to live alone. I love him so much and he knows a lot about my anxiety problems but he doesn’t know how afraid I am of the prospect of living with him on a daily bases, purely because of the germs and how much close contact we will have. I can spend a day with him, spend several days together, but in reality I’m so scared of germs I would probably live alone, with my own kitchen and everything (only thing I currently don’t have to myself other than the washing machine) and be so lonely but feel ‘safe’ from the germs. I don’t think he knows how bad it is. One day he will have to know though as we do plan to live together. I know I should probably start CBT again but its been so long and its so hard to fit NHS therapy around my job. My counsellor was so caring, so kind, even though he was learning and didn’t always know how to proceed. I don’t care if we wasted any time doing things like exposure which wasn’t necessarily helping the underlying cause of my problems, alongside things that really were helping: just having someone I could talk to about these things where I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself helped so much. I hope if I do go back then I can have him again. (Maybe he has left though. 😦 )
Content warning: suicidal ideation mention, illness fears
As in, not thoughts that are cold towards people but thoughts I have when I have a cold, which I do. I tend to get weird feelings during illness, even though colds are pretty low on the anxiety-meter for me (stomach bugs are my absolute 100% worst fear, colds pretty low like 10%). It’s more like I get sad and vulnerable and worry about not being able to do my job properly while I’m ill.
I can’t remember when I last wrote but since then I’ve left my job that was horrible and started a Christmas temp job. Its hard work but only in the sense that all retail jobs are very stressful and difficult at Christmas time. I don’t hate myself and feel like dying every day any more. In that regard it is wonderful. I feel like a whole new person. My doctor was of course right when she signed me out of my last job a couple of months ago. (she said ‘Maybe this job isn’t right for you?’ Well yeah, I know, my job hunt was at the time very much in the middle of happening but it’s not so easy especially when you feel like shit! My doctor is very business-like and quick, she gives me the results I need but there’s not really time for much empathy and understanding.)
And I have another job lined up. It’s a wonderful, calm feeling. It’s in an office which will be very different and hard for me but barring an absolute disaster maybe I can finally feel secure in my employment now?
So that’s a very good thing. I’m just writing about the good things to feel calmer and its working. In a sec I’m going to put on some Vicks and sew until early bed.