Content warning: suicidal ideation mention, illness fears
As in, not thoughts that are cold towards people but thoughts I have when I have a cold, which I do. I tend to get weird feelings during illness, even though colds are pretty low on the anxiety-meter for me (stomach bugs are my absolute 100% worst fear, colds pretty low like 10%). It’s more like I get sad and vulnerable and worry about not being able to do my job properly while I’m ill.
I can’t remember when I last wrote but since then I’ve left my job that was horrible and started a Christmas temp job. Its hard work but only in the sense that all retail jobs are very stressful and difficult at Christmas time. I don’t hate myself and feel like dying every day any more. In that regard it is wonderful. I feel like a whole new person. My doctor was of course right when she signed me out of my last job a couple of months ago. (she said ‘Maybe this job isn’t right for you?’ Well yeah, I know, my job hunt was at the time very much in the middle of happening but it’s not so easy especially when you feel like shit! My doctor is very business-like and quick, she gives me the results I need but there’s not really time for much empathy and understanding.)
And I have another job lined up. It’s a wonderful, calm feeling. It’s in an office which will be very different and hard for me but barring an absolute disaster maybe I can finally feel secure in my employment now?
So that’s a very good thing. I’m just writing about the good things to feel calmer and its working. In a sec I’m going to put on some Vicks and sew until early bed.