It doesn’t matter

I’m going back to work after a lovely week off where I got to go to Norfolk with my family. I was so happy and it was lovely there and I went to the beach and saw lots of birds and ate lots of desserts and it was wonderful. All my spots went away with no creams or changes in facewash used, proving once and for all that they are stress related. They’ll be back soon. Also my coldsores flared up massively a couple of days ago, for the first time in ages. Back to work tomorrow!

I’m trying to start another new mantra for myself, this time about work. ‘It doesn’t matter’. This isn’t about customers being horrible, because God knows I’ve had enough of my colleagues telling me to get over it when customers are rude assholes. That does matter, and it’s wrong. This is more to do with work politics.

SO:

It doesn’t matter if my new colleague gets trained on everything super fast and gets to go to special meetings and sell travel money when he’s really barely started. I can have my own theories about why this is happening, but that’s unprovable right now. (My theory being that it is sexism, because he’s the only man other than the boss in an extremely female dominated workplace. Now I know some of you reading that are not believing me but you’ve not seen it here. The post office lives and breathes because of women on the counters, but the higher-ups are mostly men. There’s one who isn’t as far as I know, that’s it. And the boss is a sexist asshole already, and has already given the new guy plenty of opportunities the new female employees aren’t getting. Trust me. But it’s currently unprovable. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to brush this aside for now. I will continue pointing out unfairness to the boss when I see it, but I’m only one, low-level person. Long aside over.) I’m already trained on the things he now knows how to do. I will not be replaced forever if he knows new things. And it’s not my responsibility to manage the emotions of the new female employees if they feel left out, I can only offer my sympathy and commiserations to them.

It doesn’t matter if customers hate the post office because of the questions we have to ask. I don’t have to prove anything about us as a company.

It doesn’t matter if the customers hate the royal mail and think the post office is the same as the royal mail, and therefore hate the post office. I don’t have to prove anything about us as a company.

It doesn’t matter if Pelly and Mint (long-standing senior coworker, new young coworker) don’t get on. It’s not my responsibility, as a lower coworker who has to do what I’m told to do by Pelly, to make sure Mint is treated fairly by her. In fact involvement on this issue by me in the past only made things much worse for Mint. I will stay out of it until I think of what to do next.

It doesn’t matter if the boss hands me a serious sounding list of difficult requirements I absolutely must fulfill every day, every time, every customer, no matter how afraid I am they might get mad at being asked so much stuff. Instead of feeling horrible and like the work I do will never be good enough, I will remember the previous times it’s happened where the boss never mentioned the list again and when asked about it acted like it was never meant to be a serious deal (despite the fact that it night as well have had ‘this is a serious deal’ written on the top). I know his M.O. by now.

It doesn’t matter if I never get to go in travel money again. The stress of upselling and the crapness of working alongside the boss/Pelly when she’s in a stress are a pretty equal tradeoff with the stress of never ending customers. So I will stop worrying about whether I’ll get to go in there again.

It doesn’t matter if I have to buy coffee to get through each day. I can afford it at the moment, coffee I make at home doesn’t do the trick any more, it gets me through the day and makes me happy, so I’ll do it.

That’s my list of things that don’t matter. There is of course stuff that does matter, but it’s important I forget about this stuff first. I can’t hold so many uneeded responsibilities on my shoulders, and I need to recognise that because of how I am (an worrier, and someone who feels the need to help people all the time because of my past) I am doing these things when nobody asked me to.

Wish me luck! Parcels ahoy!

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More job hell

I didn’t make it through Saturday at work. I started out ok but then I had a couple of passport form customers that sucked. First was a woman who swore in my face throughout and interrupted me while I explained something with ‘ok can you hurry it up? I have to be somewhere!’ So I bashed the paperwork through and handed it back, but if she comes back for the second check and there’s errors and she says ‘why didn’t the first woman tell me about this?!’ I will be extremely pissed off. Why do they come to use this service when they don’t have time? It takes time!!

The second was a woman who insisted on being seen by me immediately. We have a special counter for passports where you can queue there instead of the main queue, and my colleague (just the 2 of us on the counter) was already doing a passport while I was free and waiting for the inevitable Saturday rush. But as I was free she decided to come over to my counter, and cut me off during my explanation that she’d have to wait for my colleague because I had to be free to serve people wanting shorter transactions. She said ‘I’ve been waiting half an hour!’ (it was 10-15 minutes maximum, they think we don’t notice these things but we do) ‘and I had to wait half an hour to collect the form the other day as well!!’ (great, now they are saving up all the other times they waited to hit us with as well.) So of course I checked her form, thinking it was better than insisting and maybe being accidentally rude like I often am. But I was still not happy with how she acted. And of course a queue was building up while I did it as my colleague was still busy. But then afterwards, my colleague starts insisting that I should have tried harder! By saying exactly what I actually did say that didn’t work! What am I supposed to do, say it again? I felt like such a spineless pushover then. 😦 I really wish my colleagues wouldn’t do this whole ‘you should have said’ or ‘why didn’t you say’ thing. It’s too late once the customer’s gone. Just leave it. Plus she’s the same one who makes comments about me being angry and stressful to be around. If I hadn’t been able to keep a nice tone in my voice and this woman got offended then wouldn’t that have been a problem for my colleague too??

After that I could feel myself starting to get wound up. The tiniest thing infuriated me. Like I couldn’t open a box of forms first time so I ripped the card angrily and dropped the box and forms fell everywhere. Luckily there were no customers waiting and my colleague was in the office so no-one saw. I picked them up and shoved them away at top speed. But a fresh wave of customers was there and I was feeling worse than ever. I was convinced customers were picking on me all the time. I felt snappy but also sensitive and weak. One customer, an elderly woman, got shirty at me for asking if she was using a credit or debit card (we check so we can inform customers there’s a charge for credit cards, also the system doesn’t work if you select the wrong option) ‘it’s just a card why do you need to know!!’ I ended up getting sucked into an argument which I regret. After she’d gone I thought ‘that’s it, if I can’t control my temper with customers I have to go home, it’s only going to get more stressful towards midday and I will only get worse.’ Luckily it turned out there was one of my colleagues in the building who wasn’t timetabled but came to work by accident. He was in the office doing some uni work. He’d already refused the offer of a short break-covers shift but I went up there and pleaded with him to cover me. Which he did, he’s so kind. So I went home and spent the day not looking at customers and not hearing the inane things they say and the hurtful words and unfunny jokes and not having to ask the same questions over and over again or deal with queue complaints or have to put mail out when there’s a queue with everyone looking at me. Then it was yesterday and today off (timetabled) but I’m back tomorrow and I have 4 full days and a half day. And my least favourite colleague will be back from holiday. And the boss will be back too. I can’t be even slightly angry in front of him, I’m already on the verge of getting in trouble because I tend to argue back to customers instead of walking away. I wish I could control my emotions better. This is really serious. My job does not allow people to half arse it, my boss is always watching and he expects 100% from us at all times. There is no back room I can hide in to be away from the customers. Apart from my breaks it’s customer face to face time, all the time. I hate it.

job hell

Today at work was really bad, like fucking horrible. I felt the panic building up from about 10:30 after my morning break, worked through it for several hours until something happened that I can’t remember what but I felt myself shift into a different mode. I slowed down to about half speed and my voice came out slurred, I kept losing concentration and customers would tell me things but the information wouldn’t go in. Then I started missing important bits of informaiton customers gave me and putting their parcels through wrong. The queue was out the door but at about 4:30 I couldn’t take it any more, I hid in the office and sat with my head down, every time I looked out the queue was still out the door like it would never end. I knew I was leaving my 2 coworkers in the lurch but I couldn’t help it, I could barely stand, I couldn’t go out there. But then it was 5pm and time to cut off the special deliveries so I dragged myself up and went out there again. The postie turned up while I was lugging bags about, not knowing whether I was coming or going. I don’t know how me did it but we got that mail out the door. But not before some woman started on at me about the queue’s too long and it’s just not good enough, I’ve been waiting 25 minutes for just one stamp, the usual. I just kept on pulling the bags into place like I hadn’t heard her because if I opened my mouth I’d just mumble or say something wrong. But she’s still staring at me like I’m about to say something that will make everything better, like no! I can’t! I can’t say anything to make you not have waited 25 minutes and I’m in such a state I can’t say anything you want to hear! I started to hyperventilate and hold my head and suddenly she stopped looking at me and turned back to the queue, which I guess was good but auururrrrgh, I’m in such a mess.

At the post office the only thing that could go so badly wrong for anyone management related to actually change anything is if the day didn’t end for some reason. But, it did. It always does, and nothing ever changes. Every day that’s horrible now is worse because of how I know it won’t get any better. And I’m expected to think up ways I can feel better at work, as long as it doesn’t include working in any conditions that aren’t absolutely the same as they are now or asking that certain colleagues take the pressure off me a little by managing their time better and not, say, engaging each customer in a 5 minute conversation that has nothing to do with any service we offer. If I can’t think of anything then well, they tried!!! What do I want?! HATE THIS PLACE.

Tomorrow is Saturday, the worst and most disorganised day of the week. I upset my boyfriend earlier by ranting on and on. I don’t know if I’ll make it through tomorrow. Every minute feels too long. I don’t know what’s wrong with me if I’m even like this while medicated.

My comment about weeaboos from Captain Awkward letter #715

Content warnings for this one: weeaboos, racism and fetishisation towards Japanese people. Sexual harrassment. Sex mentions.

I made a comment on Captain Awkward a few days back on this post: http://captainawkward.com/2015/06/15/715-i-am-not-here-for-your-talk-of-boys/#comments which could probably do with some clarification. Basically I’m doing this because the thread is closed, also it would definitely be a derail so as the Cap always says, I’ll talk about it on my own blog. Plus someone might click in. I think someone already did as I don’t usually get any views.

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Random unnecessary gendering

My boss genders the parcels. Like, when he’s asking someone to pass the parcel to him so he can put the label on it he says ‘pass him through’. Or when the parcel needs weighing he says ‘pop him on the scale’. Every. Time. It’s. Really. Weird!! I feel like he will never stop but I just can’t stop thinking about when he told me to shut up talking about the new 10 euro notes to every customer. Maybe it’s time to stop gendering parcels?

Just a little continuation from the last post. Warning: sexual abuse mention

My sister is here. Feeling a bit better since yesterday. Maybe shouldn’t read anything else about BPD for a while. I feel like there’s a difference between avoiding something because it triggers you and encouraging others to hate it. Like, I’ve seen blogs of sexual abuse victims who blocked everything related to. for example, BDSM, because it triggered them. This is not the same as demonising people who do BDSM. Unless that person also writes or shares anti-BDSM posts. I will avoid stuff to do with BPD. For now. I need to find some resources that deal with this kind of thing until I can cope with it.

Things that make it harder to talk about my experience as an abuse victim

I am a survivor of emotional and sexual abuse. That is what this blog was made to be about, if I’m honest. But I need to put some content warnings here.

Homophobia against lesbians

Homophobia in Christianity

Antiblack racism

General ableism warning

Mentions of sexual and emotional abuse.

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Thinking about OCD

So, disability support tumblr had this great tagging idea where illnesses/disorders that are also used as shorthand words in English can be tagged ‘actually such-and-such’. Today I saw a post about OCD and it made me decide to check out the ‘actually OCD’ tag for the first time. There’s some lovely stuff in there. But also a lot of people who are reaaaally angry about self-diagnosing. Partly I can understand because of how OCD is used as a shorthand for ‘neat’. But mostly I hate it because they are different things. It’s totally valid to be angry that someone says ‘oh it’s my OCD coming out!’ when they line up all the notes in the till the same way (happened last week at work), but that’s not a self-diagnoses, it’s someone using the name of your illness flippantly.

I do not have an official diagnoses, but I can remember when I started to think in terms of myself having OCD. I started doing CBT a year ago to deal with a phobia. Every month or so the therapist would give me an OCD test in the form of a questionnaire. It wasn’t called an OCD test but it was separate from the general mental wellbeing test, and the questions all linked to a type of OCD. Do you feel there are good and bad numbers? Do you wash and clean obsessively? Do you check things many times to make sure they are locked/closed? It was 1-5 with 5 being most applies to you, and I scored fairly low on all but the contamination related ones where I was answering high. The point of the test was not to diagnose me. I don’t know what my therapist did with the results because I didn’t ask, but the stuff I was working on with my therapist was related to contamination fears. My GP has also talked in terms of my obsessive-compulsive behaviours regarding contamination, germs and sickness. But no one has said ‘you have OCD’.

Does that invalidate everything else? What would change if someone said ‘you have OCD’? I’m already well aware of the option of CBT, and though I’m managing fairly well without it right now and this winter was a ‘good’ one, I will go back when I need to. I’m also aware that my OCD is mild, and I’m very lucky in that regard because I can manage it with my rituals. I also consciously feel myself saying ‘it’s ok’ when I feel on the brink of my rituals going to the next stage of extremity. For now, at least, I can stop that happening. I have a support system (family, partner) that I’m privileged to have. What I want to know is, as long as I acknowledge I have a mild form, does it hurt anyone if I talk online about my rituals and compulsive thoughts in the context of OCD? I can’t be the only one who knows the relief of finding out there’s a way to talk about these things without it being ‘just Mossy being a worrier’. It’s not just me who is like this! How could I give that up even if no one has give me the diagnoses?

I’ve had several work colleagues do the ‘I’m a bit OCD’ thing. In reality I know they aren’t but I just wish so much I knew for sure, if there’s even the off-chance that they really do have it (people joke about disorders to deal with them right?) so I won’t be the only one and they might understand it. That’s how I really feel, not anger.

About self-diagnoses again, I want to say a couple of things about tumblr. One is that many people on there have written wonderful things about the larger implications of being completely against self-diagnoses and how this intersects with racism, classism, sexism and many more factors. I won’t do them the dishonour of recycling their words here, it’s all there on tumblr so be sure to have a look, and if you already know then this is the reason I’m not mentioning those factors here, but they are very important. The other is that tumblr has one of the most welcoming communities towards being neuroatypical I’ve ever seen. May anyone reading this always find the right places and not the upsetting ones.

I’m going to start a new mantra

About my abuser. I can’t seem to stop looking at their tumblr. I blocked them on facebook but then ‘accidentally’ found their tumblr and looked at that instead. And sometimes I consider unblocking their facebook. When I look at their posts I am filled with anger and anxiety but I still do it. I don’t know why.

My mantra shall be:

This person is OK.

This person is ALRIGHT

This person is OK

FAR AWAY FROM ME.

It doesn’t matter that I am not there to support them emotionally. That is not my responsibility. It never should have been. It doesn’t matter that they now know how to be kind to their friends but it was too late for me, so now I will never be treated kindly by them. Why do I have this powerful longing to be treated kindly by them? I have people in my life who do treat me kindly and they are what should matter to me. It doesn’t matter that they will never truly know how much they hurt me. Abusers often don’t think they are abusers. It doesn’t matter as long as they treat others better now. But even if they don’t it’s not my responsibility.

Ok

OK

THEY ARE OK.