angry jerk period

The next few days

Today I’m planning, in a sec, to go to Caffe Nero and use this last free coffee voucher, get a takeaway one and take a walk down to the wood and fields, where its beautiful and quiet. Maybe I shouldn’t because my stress headaches are not helped by caffeine but I don’t care. *takes paracetemol*

Tomorrow is when work starts again. I don’t know how that will go. I haven’t heard back from anyone about the hearing. One to two days my ass. Even accounting for working days only it’s been 4 days now. Boss will not be there, Phyllis is not timetabled to be there according to the rota I was emailled weeks ago, but my experience tells me she probably will be there because she always is. Goody good. The tension between us is very high, especially as after my meltdown she suddenly decided to get all faux caring and its incredibly awkward and not convincing at all.

Friday- also work. I hate Fridays because we have to deal with Saturday Guarantee service and customers complaining about being offerred it.

Saturday- not work. But it is My Interview! This is Christmas temp work I’m applying to, which is why I’m not as cautiously optomistic about my potential ticket out of this place as I’d like to be. Swapping out permanent work for temp work is not a good idea, in normal circumstances, and I’m kind of angry that I’ve been driven to consider it. If I get one of the temp roles, apparently there is 1 full time position available but there’ll be several competing for it. And if I don’t get it, I’ll be exhausted from Christmas, facing unemployment and having to apply for jobs in a desperate state which is always horrible. I’m scared of this happening. A temporary fix for an uncertain future. 😦

If tomorrow is somehow amazing enough to undo all the horrible shit that’s happened then maybe I will stay. But how could that really be a case, with an immature asshole for a boss who takes advantage of his staff? My paycheck for this month is already going to be a disaster with all my absences, so I should be happy that I’m doing 5 day weeks until the end of my current rota, but since my hours were supposed to have been reduced (4 day or less weeks) for my mental health, I can’t believe I have so many 5 day weeks back to back. I brought this up with my boss, who said ‘but you didn’t want reduced hours! You screwed up your face and said you didn’t want reduced hours!!’ Ok, well first of all, thanks for making me sound like a child having a tantrum, you asshole. Secondly, yes, initially I did not want reduced hours. Because I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t handle a standard full-time 5 day week, which is what I have been ingrained to expect to need to do my entire life. Not being able to handle that is a scary step. But my mental health got worse, and I finally argreed to take the next option to help myself, and have my hours reduced. I remember agreeing to this very clearly. My boss is pretending that this never happened. The reason he is doing this is because shortly after my hours were cut, a full-timer left. Without her we are short staffed, and the hiring process is very slow. So suddenly, even though my mental health has not got better (the opposite really) I’m back on full time again, and only get gaslighted when I bring it up. God, I hate my boss. I hate him. And I hate my job.

Today. Tomorrow. Wednesday.

I was signed off from work last week. I went to the doctor for an emergency appointment, got the letter and took it down to show Phyllis, who was running the branch at the time. Then I left. Coincidentally a friend was in town that day and he took me for a cup of tea. I told him ‘I feel like someone took a one-two punch to my brain’- not that it hurt but it felt stunned and disengaged.

Two days later was the grievance hearing. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, several weeks have passed since I first contacted HR. I was seen first, on my own, and gave a long statement with a note taker. I got to read the notes afterwards and there were errors which I corrected. However it was awkward because the woman who wrote them was sitting right there so even though some stuff didn’t get into the notes at all I didn’t add it, only edited stuff that was there.

They said they would interview Phyllis and Boss (good I guess), also all staff currently in the branch to get their perspective (not good). I don’t want to know what some of my colleagues would say about unstable Mossy and her emotions. Then I was told I would hear back in a couple of days. I’ll have to ring my parents house later to see if a letter has arrived. Nowhere has my current address as I’m not sure how long I’ll be here, my landlords see this flat as a temporary place.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and it was wonderful. I’m back home today and the emptiness has sneaked back in, I feel so alone. I eat foods like cup noodles even though they don’t fill me up and give me a dry mouth afterwards, because the only other thing I can make is toast and I want a hot lunch. I don’t want to touch food with my hands too much. I have to go back to work on Thursday and that’s the shortest time in the world. I want to work on my costume for MCM Expo May 2016 but I can’t concentrate for more than half an hour at a time. I’m drinking too much coffee and getting headaches. I’m so tired. I don’t know how to work any more and I don’t want to face my colleagues. I used to put myself 100% into my work and now I’m the post office colleague who emotionally exploded and ruined her reputation, that my boss will use as a cautionary tale and disclose my mental health situation to new staff after I leave.

Gone

Yesterday evening I felt seriously weird, off my meds type weird (even though I’m not). I’m having the tail end of it today. I’m only ok today because I’m not at work but tomorrow I am, a long, long day with Phyllis as manager. She is bullying me. It is workplace bullying. I call it that now to make myself remember that its not fair. Pretty much all my colleagues are actively on her side or are ‘not taking sides’. She is not my manager but she is frequently acting manager and she has power over me. I cannot avoid her. None of my colleagues seem to care. Work is really messing me up right now. I had an angry spell at work yesterday. I slammed the office door in front of customers and broke down crying in front of the new girl who must now feel really confused and intimidated. I know that angry people can be really scary even if they aren’t directly angry at you. I feel terrible that I’m doing this to her and even my colleagues who took her side shouldn’t have to deal with a coworker who is taking their anger out on the doors.

I need, so badly, for someone at work to tell me its not normal how Phyllis treats me. But no one will. I hate them all. I have to leave my permanent, fulll time position (that is like gold dust these days) for temporary Christmas work because this job is destroying my mental health. I’m fed up with thinking about dying all day.

In my worst mental health times I always find myself listening to Therapy? (a band, the question mark is in the band name). A few years ago I marathoned their Infernal Love album over and over and it was the only way to calm down. Now its just one song, Gone. This song is not a masterpiece, its just two chords and some simple lyrics. The singer could even sound like a Nice Guy lending an ear to try and get into her pants if you interpret it that way (though its not explicit or anything, the singer doesn’t have a specified gender either). It’s just the chorus

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

the violence buried away

that always gets me. They repeat ‘the violence buried away’ over and over and its so calming. I love songs with repeated lines because sometimes you need to repeat a thought over and over to make it sink in. Infernal Love’s closing song 30 Seconds ends with the repeated line ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ sang louder and louder.

Though it sounds like something is being suppressed, to me ‘the violence buried away’ sounds like something violent from inside being released in a non-violent way, buried and calmed until its neutralised. With someone always there. While I listened to this song I tried to draw my boyfriend and I holding each other. We need each other so much but we are both mentally ill and sometimes we trigger each other when we reach out for help. In my picture I tried to draw us holding each other and being held equally. I have to be responsible and not dump it all on him when I’m in trouble inside my head. I called the Samaritans the other day during work bad times and the woman on the phone just let me talk and let out some of these feelings I have about work. I was able to go back down and carry on. I almost made it till the end of the day but in the end I did get sent home, an hour before closing. I still regard this as a victory tho.

I won’t share my picture because it wasn’t very good. You can hear Gone here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO5hMGRNN04 Warning: it has mentions of self harm and abortion.

More job hell

I didn’t make it through Saturday at work. I started out ok but then I had a couple of passport form customers that sucked. First was a woman who swore in my face throughout and interrupted me while I explained something with ‘ok can you hurry it up? I have to be somewhere!’ So I bashed the paperwork through and handed it back, but if she comes back for the second check and there’s errors and she says ‘why didn’t the first woman tell me about this?!’ I will be extremely pissed off. Why do they come to use this service when they don’t have time? It takes time!!

The second was a woman who insisted on being seen by me immediately. We have a special counter for passports where you can queue there instead of the main queue, and my colleague (just the 2 of us on the counter) was already doing a passport while I was free and waiting for the inevitable Saturday rush. But as I was free she decided to come over to my counter, and cut me off during my explanation that she’d have to wait for my colleague because I had to be free to serve people wanting shorter transactions. She said ‘I’ve been waiting half an hour!’ (it was 10-15 minutes maximum, they think we don’t notice these things but we do) ‘and I had to wait half an hour to collect the form the other day as well!!’ (great, now they are saving up all the other times they waited to hit us with as well.) So of course I checked her form, thinking it was better than insisting and maybe being accidentally rude like I often am. But I was still not happy with how she acted. And of course a queue was building up while I did it as my colleague was still busy. But then afterwards, my colleague starts insisting that I should have tried harder! By saying exactly what I actually did say that didn’t work! What am I supposed to do, say it again? I felt like such a spineless pushover then. 😦 I really wish my colleagues wouldn’t do this whole ‘you should have said’ or ‘why didn’t you say’ thing. It’s too late once the customer’s gone. Just leave it. Plus she’s the same one who makes comments about me being angry and stressful to be around. If I hadn’t been able to keep a nice tone in my voice and this woman got offended then wouldn’t that have been a problem for my colleague too??

After that I could feel myself starting to get wound up. The tiniest thing infuriated me. Like I couldn’t open a box of forms first time so I ripped the card angrily and dropped the box and forms fell everywhere. Luckily there were no customers waiting and my colleague was in the office so no-one saw. I picked them up and shoved them away at top speed. But a fresh wave of customers was there and I was feeling worse than ever. I was convinced customers were picking on me all the time. I felt snappy but also sensitive and weak. One customer, an elderly woman, got shirty at me for asking if she was using a credit or debit card (we check so we can inform customers there’s a charge for credit cards, also the system doesn’t work if you select the wrong option) ‘it’s just a card why do you need to know!!’ I ended up getting sucked into an argument which I regret. After she’d gone I thought ‘that’s it, if I can’t control my temper with customers I have to go home, it’s only going to get more stressful towards midday and I will only get worse.’ Luckily it turned out there was one of my colleagues in the building who wasn’t timetabled but came to work by accident. He was in the office doing some uni work. He’d already refused the offer of a short break-covers shift but I went up there and pleaded with him to cover me. Which he did, he’s so kind. So I went home and spent the day not looking at customers and not hearing the inane things they say and the hurtful words and unfunny jokes and not having to ask the same questions over and over again or deal with queue complaints or have to put mail out when there’s a queue with everyone looking at me. Then it was yesterday and today off (timetabled) but I’m back tomorrow and I have 4 full days and a half day. And my least favourite colleague will be back from holiday. And the boss will be back too. I can’t be even slightly angry in front of him, I’m already on the verge of getting in trouble because I tend to argue back to customers instead of walking away. I wish I could control my emotions better. This is really serious. My job does not allow people to half arse it, my boss is always watching and he expects 100% from us at all times. There is no back room I can hide in to be away from the customers. Apart from my breaks it’s customer face to face time, all the time. I hate it.