music

Gone

Yesterday evening I felt seriously weird, off my meds type weird (even though I’m not). I’m having the tail end of it today. I’m only ok today because I’m not at work but tomorrow I am, a long, long day with Phyllis as manager. She is bullying me. It is workplace bullying. I call it that now to make myself remember that its not fair. Pretty much all my colleagues are actively on her side or are ‘not taking sides’. She is not my manager but she is frequently acting manager and she has power over me. I cannot avoid her. None of my colleagues seem to care. Work is really messing me up right now. I had an angry spell at work yesterday. I slammed the office door in front of customers and broke down crying in front of the new girl who must now feel really confused and intimidated. I know that angry people can be really scary even if they aren’t directly angry at you. I feel terrible that I’m doing this to her and even my colleagues who took her side shouldn’t have to deal with a coworker who is taking their anger out on the doors.

I need, so badly, for someone at work to tell me its not normal how Phyllis treats me. But no one will. I hate them all. I have to leave my permanent, fulll time position (that is like gold dust these days) for temporary Christmas work because this job is destroying my mental health. I’m fed up with thinking about dying all day.

In my worst mental health times I always find myself listening to Therapy? (a band, the question mark is in the band name). A few years ago I marathoned their Infernal Love album over and over and it was the only way to calm down. Now its just one song, Gone. This song is not a masterpiece, its just two chords and some simple lyrics. The singer could even sound like a Nice Guy lending an ear to try and get into her pants if you interpret it that way (though its not explicit or anything, the singer doesn’t have a specified gender either). It’s just the chorus

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

hang on, it’s gone

the violence buried away

that always gets me. They repeat ‘the violence buried away’ over and over and its so calming. I love songs with repeated lines because sometimes you need to repeat a thought over and over to make it sink in. Infernal Love’s closing song 30 Seconds ends with the repeated line ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ sang louder and louder.

Though it sounds like something is being suppressed, to me ‘the violence buried away’ sounds like something violent from inside being released in a non-violent way, buried and calmed until its neutralised. With someone always there. While I listened to this song I tried to draw my boyfriend and I holding each other. We need each other so much but we are both mentally ill and sometimes we trigger each other when we reach out for help. In my picture I tried to draw us holding each other and being held equally. I have to be responsible and not dump it all on him when I’m in trouble inside my head. I called the Samaritans the other day during work bad times and the woman on the phone just let me talk and let out some of these feelings I have about work. I was able to go back down and carry on. I almost made it till the end of the day but in the end I did get sent home, an hour before closing. I still regard this as a victory tho.

I won’t share my picture because it wasn’t very good. You can hear Gone here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO5hMGRNN04 Warning: it has mentions of self harm and abortion.