OCD

An anxious day

CW: in depth discussion of my fear of germs

 

Today I noticed extra anxiety, extra handwashing etc. I think it has to do with being congestred and stuffy from my cold, and not being able to think straight. Now this evening I just found out I’ll be losing internet next monday when my flatmate moves out (we don’t really talk so I didn’t know she was moving out).

 

That caused extra anxiety because I have really bad associations with being alone with myself without the internet to distract me. The internet functions more like ‘company’ than a DVD or music. It’s so sudden and I’ll have to set up my own contract, which I don’t know how to do, but even so I’ll be left without internet on monday at least (after that I’m at work again). I have 2 days off from tomorrow which is nice as I need to rest up and get over my cold but no internet on monday is troubling me. I’ll have to plan something to do, like a plan I’ll stick to.

 

Illness causes anxiety because it makes me more vulnerable, even though it’s just a cold. I feel miserable too. I can’t even look forward to going to sleep because my nose is so stuffy. Sometimes I hate living apart from my boyfriend, but then I remember that having other people around is really germy and bad and its much safer to live alone. I love him so much and he knows a lot about my anxiety problems but he doesn’t know how afraid I am of the prospect of living with him on a daily bases, purely because of the germs and how much close contact we will have. I can spend a day with him, spend several days together, but in reality I’m so scared of germs I would probably live alone, with my own kitchen and everything (only thing I currently don’t have to myself other than the washing machine) and be so lonely but feel ‘safe’ from the germs. I don’t think he knows how bad it is. One day he will have to know though as we do plan to live together. I know I should probably start CBT again but its been so long and its so hard to fit NHS therapy around my job. My counsellor was so caring, so kind, even though he was learning and didn’t always know how to proceed. I don’t care if we wasted any time doing things like exposure which wasn’t necessarily helping the underlying cause of my problems, alongside things that really were helping: just having someone I could talk to about these things where I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself helped so much. I hope if I do go back then I can have him again. (Maybe he has left though. 😦 )

 

 

 

 

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Thinking about OCD

So, disability support tumblr had this great tagging idea where illnesses/disorders that are also used as shorthand words in English can be tagged ‘actually such-and-such’. Today I saw a post about OCD and it made me decide to check out the ‘actually OCD’ tag for the first time. There’s some lovely stuff in there. But also a lot of people who are reaaaally angry about self-diagnosing. Partly I can understand because of how OCD is used as a shorthand for ‘neat’. But mostly I hate it because they are different things. It’s totally valid to be angry that someone says ‘oh it’s my OCD coming out!’ when they line up all the notes in the till the same way (happened last week at work), but that’s not a self-diagnoses, it’s someone using the name of your illness flippantly.

I do not have an official diagnoses, but I can remember when I started to think in terms of myself having OCD. I started doing CBT a year ago to deal with a phobia. Every month or so the therapist would give me an OCD test in the form of a questionnaire. It wasn’t called an OCD test but it was separate from the general mental wellbeing test, and the questions all linked to a type of OCD. Do you feel there are good and bad numbers? Do you wash and clean obsessively? Do you check things many times to make sure they are locked/closed? It was 1-5 with 5 being most applies to you, and I scored fairly low on all but the contamination related ones where I was answering high. The point of the test was not to diagnose me. I don’t know what my therapist did with the results because I didn’t ask, but the stuff I was working on with my therapist was related to contamination fears. My GP has also talked in terms of my obsessive-compulsive behaviours regarding contamination, germs and sickness. But no one has said ‘you have OCD’.

Does that invalidate everything else? What would change if someone said ‘you have OCD’? I’m already well aware of the option of CBT, and though I’m managing fairly well without it right now and this winter was a ‘good’ one, I will go back when I need to. I’m also aware that my OCD is mild, and I’m very lucky in that regard because I can manage it with my rituals. I also consciously feel myself saying ‘it’s ok’ when I feel on the brink of my rituals going to the next stage of extremity. For now, at least, I can stop that happening. I have a support system (family, partner) that I’m privileged to have. What I want to know is, as long as I acknowledge I have a mild form, does it hurt anyone if I talk online about my rituals and compulsive thoughts in the context of OCD? I can’t be the only one who knows the relief of finding out there’s a way to talk about these things without it being ‘just Mossy being a worrier’. It’s not just me who is like this! How could I give that up even if no one has give me the diagnoses?

I’ve had several work colleagues do the ‘I’m a bit OCD’ thing. In reality I know they aren’t but I just wish so much I knew for sure, if there’s even the off-chance that they really do have it (people joke about disorders to deal with them right?) so I won’t be the only one and they might understand it. That’s how I really feel, not anger.

About self-diagnoses again, I want to say a couple of things about tumblr. One is that many people on there have written wonderful things about the larger implications of being completely against self-diagnoses and how this intersects with racism, classism, sexism and many more factors. I won’t do them the dishonour of recycling their words here, it’s all there on tumblr so be sure to have a look, and if you already know then this is the reason I’m not mentioning those factors here, but they are very important. The other is that tumblr has one of the most welcoming communities towards being neuroatypical I’ve ever seen. May anyone reading this always find the right places and not the upsetting ones.